When Care Doesn’t Feel Like Care
F#*k off!
Those were the first words ever said to me as a newly qualified Social Worker nearly 20 years ago. I’d been standing awkwardly at the front door trying to introduce myself to my first ever client. A few seconds later, the door slammed in my face and I remember standing there thinking, ‘How has this gone so badly wrong already?’ At the time it was hard not to take personally. Looking back now, I completely understand it.
That moment was the first sign to me that something was badly missing in the social care system — the actual feeling of being cared about. A lot of the young people I met had spent years being assessed, moved around, spoken about in meetings and told what was supposedly ‘good’ for them, without ever really feeling heard or understood. Professionals, many of whom barely knew them, drew up ‘Pathway Plans’ or carried out home visits that often felt intrusive, performative or disconnected from real life.
Too often, these attempts to demonstrate ‘care’ felt impersonal, as though people were simply boxes being ticked rather than human beings being understood.
So why would you be happy to see yet another stranger?
If people come in and out of your life, promises get broken or support can’t be relied upon as useful and consistent, you learn to keep your guard up. You might stop relying on people altogether. Sometimes you may even push them away before they can disappoint you first.
Nearly 20 years later, as a therapist, people don’t tend to slam doors in my face anymore — they’re usually too busy trying to say hello to Indie, my little dog, who quietly sits in on sessions. Sadly though, I still meet a lot of care leavers who carry around the same feeling underneath everything; that they didn’t really matter to anyone growing up. That leaves a mark on people, even if it’s difficult to acknowledge or they rarely talk about it openly.
A lot of support services focus on practical things like housing, education, money management or getting a job. These things absolutely matter, but what often gets missed is the emotional side of all this. In some ways, this mirrors the very problem many experienced growing up: a focus on practical oversight, without enough emotional understanding. To feel valued, we need to feel understood.
Tending to someone’s emotional wellbeing takes time, patience and a genuine curiosity about who they are beneath the surface. It can’t be achieved through a rushed home visit or by filling out another questionnaire. My work tries to create space for the more private questions many people carry silently for years: Why am I anxious so much of the time? Why do I spend hours doom scrolling on my phone even when it makes me feel worse? Why is it so hard to trust my partner, or feel okay when we’re apart?
Therapy cannot rewrite somebody’s childhood and it cannot magically erase the impact of feeling unwanted, unsafe or alone. What it can do is help people begin to understand themselves differently.
One of the saddest things I’ve noticed in my work is how many care experienced people grow up believing their emotional needs are either ‘too much’ or simply unimportant. Over time, many become experts at adapting. Some become people pleasers because keeping others happy feels safer than risking rejection. Others become fiercely independent because relying on people has ended painfully before. Some expect abandonment so strongly that they struggle to fully trust anyone at all which ironically brings on the very rejection in others that they fear most.
These are not signs of weakness or brokenness. They are often intelligent ways of surviving difficult beginnings.
Therapy can help people slowly recognise that these habits once protected them, while also exploring whether they are still needed now. Slowly, people can begin responding to themselves with the kind of consistency, patience and understanding they may never have received growing up. Over time, this can help people feel more secure in themselves, more connected to their emotions and better able to navigate relationships and the inevitable challenges life brings.
If this article resonated with you, or you’d like support exploring some of these difficulties further, you can find more information about my therapy work at:
https://www.barnardocounselling.com
Or e-mail me at: